Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
