i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
