Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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