I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
