Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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