if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
