I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
