Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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