If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
