Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Randomize
