No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
