I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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