My underwear smells like fireworks.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
