Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
