Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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