I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
