LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
