walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
