Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
