Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
