first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
