So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
