The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
