So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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