I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
