are you so shy because you have an std?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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