I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
