the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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