Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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