Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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