I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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