We're like a lot better than the average bears
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
