I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I could make wine with my vomit
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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