I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Randomize
