if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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