yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
