If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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