I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
