I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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