i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
