why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
