I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
