I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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