How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
