Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
