God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
