I will die if light touches me.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I am spending my child support on dildos
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
