Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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