She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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