There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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