Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
