he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
