God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
