I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
