BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
